Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cairo International Airport

"What do you mean, I cannot bring antiquities on the plane?  These were all legally acquired."

Airport Security: "Sir, we cannot allow the unauthorized transportation of cultural property without the express permission from the Egyptian government.  I will have to confiscate any antiquities that you have in your possession.  Please show me some identification."

Polly: "For Amen's sake, Rich, you can't seem to go anywhere without getting yourself into trouble.  You better figure out a way to talk us out of this.  Our tickets to Jordan are non-refundable."

Airport Security: Did that cat just talk?

"You overpaid, totalitarian Nazis!  I found this genuine mummy hand myself and I absolutely cannot part with it!  How am I to continue my research into the-"

Polly: "Maybe don't bring up Nazis, Heiny."

"Do not interrupt me, Polly.  You might distract this dictatorial blockhead.  If he loses his train of thought, he will never find it again."

Airport Security: "Not only are you removing important archeological material from its provenance, but you are attempting to smuggle human remains out of the country.  Where did you find this hand, exactly?"

"That is exactly what I am attempting to explain to you.  This is not a human hand.  I found this attached to the dessicated corpse of an alien being."

Airport Security: "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?  Did you say 'alien'?"

"Oh, and he is hard of hearing, too.  Listen, I do not have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.  Ramses II's corpse is not as it seems, this is the evidence, and I need to get to my gate before the flight leaves."

Airport Security: "You stole Ramses II's hand?!?!  How did you even manage to do that?  I'm going to have to call the police."

*slaps the officer with the dessicated hand*  "I resent your accusations of theft and smuggling.  I am an extremely ethical, globally-recognized professional archaeologist, and my companion here is none other than King Priam himself!  What would it do to either of our reputations to engage in corrupt behavior?"

Airport Security: "I do NOT get paid enough for this.  Get away from me.  You, the talking cat, and your corpse hand.  I didn't see anything."

"I knew you would come to see reason.  I am eager to bring this hand back to the lab for analysis.  Finally I can prove the presence of shapeshifting reptilian beings in the Egyptian royal lineage.  Now, let us hurry to the gate, Polly.  This ridiculous matter has delayed us greatly."

Airport Security:  "I quit.  I.QUIT."

Polly:  We have a laboratory?

"A laboratory, a garden shed.  Call it what you will."  *swings the hand around wildly*

Polly: "Ugh, put that gross thing away."

"This 'gross thing' is going to make us both very, very rich men."

Polly: "Well, then.  By all means, swing it around as much as you like but, if it touches me, I'm gonna poop in your hat."

"Fair enough, Polly.  Fair enough."

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