Sunday, July 10, 2011

Trojan Horse

Trojan Horse
Some of you think you know the storyOdysseus convinces his men to dismantle their ships and build a wooden horse, some of his men (50, 40, 23, whatever) hide inside the Δούρειος Ἵππος while one man remains outside, the horse is offered to the Trojans who, despite the warnings of Helen of Troy and Laocoön (Φοβού τους Δαναούς και δώρας φέρονταις), let the horse into the city.  The Trojans proceed to throw a huge party and get totally wasted, then that night the soldiers within the horse slay everyone in the city.  While I am not certain of the veracity of this particular account, I have recently uncovered evidence during my most recent trip to Turkey that corresponds to a fragmentary document, written by the little-known Greek historian Batalos of Kariolis, of the first attempt at a stealth Greek invasion of Troy.

Yes, that's right.  There was a Trojan Horse before the one you've read about in Virgil's Aeneid, except it wasn't really a horse.  More like a two-man quadsuit made out of a ship's sail and the remnants of Friday's Equus ferus roast.

Right now you'll probably be wondering about my sources.  I know it sounds slightly far-fetched, but I can assure you that this account is absolutely true.  I can't show you Batalos' document, though.  You see, the National Archives have a no smoking policy, but I desperately needed a dose of vitamin N and lit my pipe.  So, to make a long story short, the document no longer exists.  On the plus side, I can assure you that my interpretation of the text is entirely accurate, though admittedly I had to read the flaming scroll in the thirty seconds it took for it to turn into charcoal.

Here is the part of the account I managed to transcribe:

Yea verily, did the men under the leadership of... M[alaka]....
fashioned a horse... the weather-beaten sails of their glorious...
Steed... ate supper....remnants.

Of course, much of the original text is missing, but I am confident I can fill in the gaps using my expert understanding of the Greek language, awesome intellect, and a few premium beers.  The verse is obviously referring to a previous attempt to sneak into Troy using the clever disguise of a fursuit.

I can see it now.  Malaka and a brave companion discussing who shall occupy the hindquarters of the simulated beast.  Perhaps they engaged in some nude wrestling to decide before climbing into the costume (with Malaka occupying the front-half), still nude and dripping with sweat....

*ahem*  Where was I?  Ah, of course.

Ruins of Troy
This attempt must have failed, since we don't hear about Malaka or his infamous fursona again.  I suspect TH1 (archaeologist-speak for Trojan Horse #1) was allowed into the city, but the occupants promptly discovered when a good-natured stable-boy attempted to house TH1 with a stallion in heat.  The plan being an apparent failure, Malaka would have fallen upon his sword and his companion promptly executed for defiling a prized animal.

This is the sort of history they don't teach you in college, kinder.

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