Monday, July 18, 2011

Opposing the Liberal Agenda

Drat.  You can add Pergamon and Ephesus to the places I've been banned from frequenting.  How was I supposed to know it's verboten to employ the use of my trowel to chisel off-, er borrow, a marble sample from a few of the less-guarded statues?  And then try to sell it back to the Turks?  Eleven times.  No one understands how costly it is to fund my expeditions.  It is quite clear to me that these undereducated, anti-intellectual proletarians can't quite grasp the fact that I'm engaged in the noble pursuit of enriching mankind.  What's the "donation" of a few sculpted noses and severed manparts when there's the education of an entire planet at stake?  At least I had the satisfaction of absconding with a small collection of the tasteful specimens I acquired at Ephesus, owing (as usual) to my quick thinking.  Thank the amply-bosomed Artemus that none of the guards thought to perform a cavity search.

Speaking of Pergamon, some of you may have encountered its supposed "Hellenistic theatre" in your art history textbooks.  As usual, my libertine colleagues have once again applied their pedantic, cultural Marxist, and completely unfounded opinions to an ancient and unrelatable culture.  Simply because much of the European tradition arose from a watered-down, reinterpreted Renaissance perception of the Classical Period, this does not necessarily imply that the ancient Grecian people were "western" as we understand the term. Unlike the pedagogues you've learned your art history from, I view the ancients as they actually lived, not through the filter of liberal modern and post-modern conceptions—multiculturalism, feminism, social and racial equality, homosexuality, communism, affordable healthcare, religious toleration, Zionism, pacifism, or any such nonsense.  As such, I am the true liberal.  That is, liberated from the constraints of the misguided ideological agenda currently advocated in most institutions of higher learning.

Pergamon's "Theatre"

One such fallacy is that, simply because a structure coincidentally "resembles" contemporary architecture, the ancient structure must then therefore serve the same purpose as its modern counterpart.  This construction is so obviously not a theatre that I am overcome with the utmost exasperation that I should even have to point this out.  Look at that image anew, with untainted eyes, and ask yourselves the following questions:

1. Why would the enlightened denizens of Pergamon build a theatre that stupid-looking?
2. Why would anyone with half a brain in their skulls build a theatre that stupid-looking?
3. What sort of illegal substance would Eumenes II have to smoke before he approved such a project?

With my heightened powers of reasoning, I can only conclude the lack of city planning, and understanding of acoustics/safety hazards/aesthetics, that building a theatre in the side of a steep cliff would imply makes the notion that this is indeed a theatre quite ridiculous.  There isn't even a stage!  Sure, some claim that "post holes" at the bottom of the "seating area" suggest the use of a wooden stage, but this theory sounds needlessly complex, and I'm a firm believer in Occam's razor.  Ergo, I propose that the ruins you see before you actually functioned as a launchpad for alien spacecraft.  This explanation is much simpler AND explains why Pergamonians would invest such a great deal of time and energy executing a suboptimal design—suboptimal for a theatre, perhaps, but ideal for the take-off of extraterrestrial transport.  Aliens, with the aid of local townsfolk, hauled starships onto the base of the cliff, with support structures for the craft fitting into those "post holes".  I imagined that the stair-like nature of the ramp would have made for a bumpy ride, but who am I to question the insight of the Ascended Ones?  Our conceptions of friction may not be applicable to the crystalline incarnations of inter-dimensional light beings.

Since the study of alien life became an accepted scientific field of study in the 1940s (an interesting fact I learned from the internet), ufologists have used the presence of extraterrestrials to explain technological advancement in cultures whose people are regarded as untermenschen by Caucasians, particularly those of negroidian or indigenous (Maya, Inca, Egyptian) origin, but never that of the superior Western cultures.  Aliens seem to have visited inferior races to help them progress in ways they couldn't have possibly done so on their own.  Oddly enough, the moment I realized Anatolian Greeks weren't ethnically pure, I found myself explaining everything with U.F.O.s.  

The scholarly advancement that has occurred since 1890 is truly remarkable.  I never could have imagined that we'd make contact with creatures from other words, then film these encounters and upload them to YouTube.  As far as my theory on the launchpad goes, I fully intend to publish a paper on my findings in the near future.  I expect it will breeze right through peer-review.

Namaste, Love and Light be upon you.

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